Rejection Letters

July 21, 2005

I can tell a crappy form letter on crappy stationery from a mile away, so when I get an agent's rejection letter, I rarely bother reading it.

Every publishing-related website I've ever been to, every book on the subject, every writing seminar stresses the importance of a well-crafted query. "It's important to be professional," they all say. I've even seen a few sites that post real-life examples of misguided efforts just for a laugh. But if agents are really that hung up about it, then why are so few of them capable of sending well-presented letters of their own?

I got one today that was nothing more than a crooked Xerox on dirty paper. You know the kind, a form letter that's been photocopied from a photocopy so many times that the letters start to melt and the paper gets spotted with artifacts. Who the hell even uses a Xerox machine anymore? No wonder the publishing industry is freaking out over print-on-demand technology; they haven't even learned how to use a fucking laser printer yet.

Underneath the slanted, cut-off, letterhead — which used a retro-style font straight off a "Smash Hits of the Seventies" K-Tell record — the reply was addressed:

"Dear __________"

My name had been scrawled in the blank by someone with the penmanship of a twelve-year-old.

Below my name was one simple sentence:

"Thanks for submitting your proposal. But I'm afraid I receive many submissions, and I can only represent a limited number of them."

Yeah, I know, that's two sentences, but only because of an unnecessary period after the word "proposal".

What's up with this lady? It's going to sound like bullshit, but I'm glad she rejected me. If that's the way she represents herself, I sure as hell don't want her representing me.

At least the envelope it came in was relatively professional. Sure, it was my own self-addressed stamped envelope, but at least it wasn't torn or coffee-stained. Then again, it was postmarked exactly three days after I’d sent it, so I don't suppose she had much time.

I'm thinking I might include an addendum to my queries from now on:

Dear Agent,

Doubtless, you realize I receive many rejection letters, and can't possibly read them all. To avoid your letter winding up in the slush pile of unpaid bills, please adhere to the following guidelines:

!. Do not remind me of how subjective this business is. I am well aware. In fact, I haven't read most of the crap you've sold.

2. Any letter addressed "Dear Author" will be deleted immediately, unread.

3. Do not try to excuse your lack of professionalism by complaining about how many submissions you receive. I'm sure you're very popular.

Thank you, and best of luck in your search for the next sure thing.