Plenty of Dickheads

September 14, 2003

I went to Stephen Sprouse's party at Diesel on Friday and walked around feeling old and boring among all the beautiful people. At one point, I was standing next to these two sexy model-types when a photographer came by and took their picture. Then she asked me to get out of the way and took it again.

Downstairs was an open bar, but they only had straight vodka or white wine. Weird.

Saturday night was Virgo Supercluster's superbirthday party. I dragged Brian along, which was cool because Brian doesn't go out much. We were early, so the two of us walked over to a coffee shop to kill some time. Brian noticed two girls sitting at the table behind me. "Dude, I'm getting rhythm from this chick over there." I turned to look. "She's cute, right?" he asked, "I think she's foreign."

I agreed, she was cute.

"Dude, she just told her friend to turn around to check you out.”

I turned around to do the same, but all I could see was the back of the friend's head. Brian asked what he should do in a situation like that. Should he ask for her phone number? Sure, why not?

"Shit, they're getting up to leave. Wait here, I'll be right back."

He asked them if they wanted to come to Virgo’s party with us, but they said no. They had somewhere else to be. But he did get her number, and when he came back to the table, he was charged up. "Excellent. Aren't you proud of me?"

"Yeah, nice one."

Then he gave me some sage advice. And since he said, "You can quote me on that." I will. Are you ready? You might want to write this down. He said: "Nothing mends an achy-breaky heart like a moist vagina."

I think he might be on to something there, though there's a huge difference between a piece of paper with a number on it and a moist vagina.

The girl had an accent that he figured was German. Her hair was straight and blond. It's not his usual type. He often finds himself with women with dark curly hair.

“I’m branching out,” he said.

We made our way to Virgo's party, but since Brian had just scored a phone number, he didn't have the kind of motivation to stay that he might've had otherwise. He left early. I lingered for a little while, but didn't stay much longer myself. I tried to flirt with Virgo's hot-as-hell sister, but she was having none of my nonsense, so I left.

On my way home, I stopped in to see my friend Erick, who bartends in Brooklyn. This drunk girl was sitting at the bar -- a regular -- and Erick introduced us. She was mopey. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Did you see that guy who just left?" she said.

I nodded, yes.

"I have a thing for him, and now he knows."

"Isn't that a good thing?" I asked.

"No. He doesn't like me back."

"Oh well. At least now you know."

She looked at me cross-eyed and asked, "Have you ever liked someone who didn't like you back?"

"Of course." I told her, "That's my specialty."

"Well, it's never happened to me before."

I found that hard to believe. I figure anyone over the age of 12 has had at least one unrequited crush. I wanted to say, "Welcome to the real world. Get used to it." But I didn't. I just shrugged instead and, in my most reassuring tone, told her, "Don't worry about it. There are plenty more dickheads where he came from."